


A World Of Our Own

by TheonSugden



Category: EastEnders
Genre: Angst, Gen, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Semi-requited Love, ben mitchell is not a happy person, reference to murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-23
Updated: 2015-08-23
Packaged: 2018-04-16 20:29:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4639125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheonSugden/pseuds/TheonSugden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jay helps Ben see the world through broken glass.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A World Of Our Own

It was a boiling hot day, so hot in the garage that Ben was sure his skin would slide off his body under his feet.

Pretty cool image.

He tried, like he always did, and failed, like he always did, to not watch Jay changing for his lunch break, slipping out of the oilskins he never felt comfortable in, that Ben accepted as his own because of “family.” Ben watched Jay’s baggy shirt ride up, glanced at his tight stomach and imagined running his hands over, claiming the pale freckled skin as his own.

Jay saw him, like he always did, and didn’t say anything, like he always did.

“Got a cool place t’show ya,” he promised, breaking out of his sullen mood for a real smile, the kind Ben craved, the kind he convinced himself was only for him.

They made their way to an empty house - last family moved out six months earlier, cos Walford was a shithole, really - Jay flashing a cheeky grin and telling Ben to be the lookout while he got the door open.

Ben wondered if Jay wanted to loot, but it was already well cleaned out - just a few old rugs, and a lot of beer cans, probably left by Jay himself.

Jay pointed to the front room window, a big picture window that showed a good portion of the park.

“What if somebody sees us?” Ben hissed, wishing he had a chair to duck behind.

“That’s the thing,” Jay smiled reassuringly, head tilted. “Nobody ever does.”

There was nothing else Ben wanted more in the world than to see without being seen, without knowing everyone who looked at him backed away from the freak, the killer, the queer.

The window was full of cracked glass, only broken in certain places. Sun streamed through the fissures and danced on the dusty floorboards.

“Lean back,” Jay encouraged, watching him.

He sat back on his elbows, and everything changed again, like a kaleidoscope, really.

He couldn’t help smiling at the gorgeousness just for him…for him and for Jay. No one else.

He heard Jay stifle a yawn, still watching him.

“When I first met ya…I mean when I first got ‘made a Mitchell’,” said with the derision they both felt, “I thought, ‘This kid’s got it all.”

“Kid?” Ben laughed. “I was older than you, ya muppet!”

Jay shrugged.

“Back then I was like an old man. Dirty old man, probably. Anyway, all I could think was, Why don’t this kid ever smile?’”

Ben swallowed, not blaming Jay for not getting it - not getting that only Gran and Shirley and…and Heather had made him smile, and every show of teeth had carried fear, because he knew if his Dad saw him laughing and singing and dancing, he’d get a slap - if he was lucky.

“Now I know why,” Jay added, solemnly. “It’s cos when you smile, it’s from deep in ya…it means ya really mean it.”

Jay was the first boy who’d made him smile. Even now, no one else managed it the way Jay did. Not Abi…not even Paul.

“You know cos we’re brothers,” Ben replied, the same line he’d told himself for years, and a line he knew was a bigger lie every year. 

“Yeah,” Jay added, half-heartedly, looking down at the dirty floor. “Next time, you can bring some cans.”

“Next time?” Ben tried to tease, not wanting to admit how much he wanted them to stay in this place. “And I bring the cans? Cheap date.”

Jay smiled at him again, warmer than the boiling sun through the broken window.

“C’mon muggins,” Jay said softly, jumping up and extending his hand. 

It was just another window now, just more cracked glass, but when Ben took Jay’s hand, he could swear he saw the colors dancing one last time.


End file.
